THE GOODWILL STORY

So look we all know what is like going to school on the first day in fresh gear, oooooooo shit we be up till 4 am in the morning with the outfit laid out....shittt we even have the kicks laid out on top of the bed....we be thinking to ourselves " OMG IM GONE HURT EM TOMORROW. Yeah thats how it suppose to be.......This Story is different

SCHOOL SHOPPING

So im at my cousin's crib (Ama, Joe, David), this is a week before school they are suppose to go shopping with their dad (J-dub aka johnny they call him J-dub because he's a cop, which they hate) So these niggas sitting up bragging and shit about how they going to be fresher than me (note I havent went shopping yet) so im like nigga whatever yall buck mouth mouthafuckas need to invest that school money into a damn barrier for the, buck ass teeth. So after like 30 minutes of talking to these barraka off springs J-dub arrives...he like I can tag along if I want so im like cool, I suppose I can see what the competition will be copping for school.

SIDE NOTE

I had to add this part lol. The whole time we riding in the car im looking at J-dub's bald ass head.
The back of his head had this slit by the neck part.....the shit looked like a clitoris....MAN IM TELLING YALL THAT SHIT LOOKED LIKE A WET CUNT (bald head guys be having a lot of grease on they head....on top of that is what hot as hell that day) all i could do was LOL and come up with names about how it looks....."the third hole" " tampon neck" "cuntacular skull"

BACK TO THE STORY

So we riding and we end up in this east point plaza.....so im looking around and im saying to myself they dad must have to meet someone up here.....that changed quickly.....J-dub tells everyone to get out the car and he starts walking in the direction of the GOODWILL....I put my shirt in my mouth and died LOL...the look on these niggas faces where priceless .....so we up in this goodwill this nigga Ama is pissed lol he like "fuck this bruh im not getting shit from here I'll wear some old shit to school......Joe the youngest of the 3 is over here trying on dingy Usher blazers and big ass fabo glasses tombout some "YEAH' lmaooo....now the funniest shit had to be the oldest brother David who was actually walking around goodwill picking shit out like he liked it lmaoooooo shit was hilarious because he had old as wrangler jeans in his hand that looked liked Brett Farve himself had worn in an NFL game lmaoooo this nigga had so much bum shit in his hands I knew this nigga did not like none of that shit..he was just trying to please his father...so after like 20 minutes in GOODWILL J-dub ask them "Yall find anything yall like" all I could think to myself was that this black bald head, 1 Mike Tyson gold tooth ass nigga cant be serious lol............All of them except David says no.........Jdub say "ok lets go" then we leave.

Moral of this story.....dont brag about being fresher than me got dammit

YAK AND A 5 PIECE

THE SCENARIO

So here is the scenario.....I'm in Montgomery, Alabama...its winter..I'm hanging out with the niggaz from Chicago.....Al(big homie from the chi...T(fat homie from the chi)....Sonny P(small crazy ass nigga from the chi nigga stayed on savage)....keen(born in the chi raised in Montgomery...nigga swear he from the chi) Jason(weirdo from the Chi nigga was funny an animated as hell and a damn alcoholic).....and my fellow atlien Jvo(nigga look like a down syndrome version of ol boy who sing birthday sex)

So this nigga jvo ask me to run him to ASU(Alabama State University) campus to pick up to hoes...yes I said hoes because that's what they were....so I'm like cool.....I drive him to pick up these 2 broads......


THE BROADS

One was light skinned with short hair....and the other was dark skinned with short, they both were skinny but they were decent...tight asses, nice round (dave chappelle) Tittaysssss....

BACK AT THE CRIB

So jvo and sonny P get these to unstuffed turkey whores in the room........I guess they start running the broads...because we could hear them and shit.....so eventually they separate rooms jvo comes in the living room and start fucking the broad on the chair....all the rest of us are in the den area or chilling outside....everything was cool until this crazy nigga from the Chi name Jason....

THE FUCK UP

This nigga Jason walks up on some thirty ass shit..while jvo hitting this broad and ask could he fuck the whore.....so to make it clean and cut...the bitch said no lol....this nigga jason reply by grabbing this girl tittay.....she hopes up and curses him out (Birmingham broad FTL) so Al who is in the next room with his wifey come out with a glass of yak in his hand on some king of the playboy mansion type shit...so he ask"what the fuck is going on" the broad reply"this fuck nigga touched my titty talking about let him join in" Al reply "thats what we do we run hoes round here".......before you know it this bitch done hit Al like 30 times in the face....I mean this nigga Al is walking toward the kitchen carefully trying not to spill his yak while this broad is dropping bows on him lmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfaaaaaaaaooooooo

BITCH DONE FUCKED UP


So this nigga Al puts the yak down...grabs her(this nigga all is 6'2 like 200 pounds) by the throat and picks her off the ground on some kane shit lmaooo I mean he has her in the air choking her...saying "BITCH YOU DONT KNOW WHO YOU FUCKING WITH, ALMOST MAKING ME WASTE THIS DAMN YAK".............eventually we had to get him to put her down because he was damn sure going to kill her over that yak lmaoooo......he kicks the hoes out of his house...but they crazy part about it is, this nigga JVO is pissed that he didnt get to finished I mean he is depressed...bruh is just sitting on the couch butt ass naked.....0_o Al tells him to get the fuck out for sitting on his couch butt naked lmfaooooooooooooo

the end

The Conversation in The Womens Bathroom

Now I know yall like what the hell is Keith talking about womens bathroom lol....welllllllllllllllllll let me get on with this story.



FRESH

Ok it was high school football in Alabama (big shit ) it was the city rivalry...Carver high Vs. Lanier high....I mean this shit is like a HBCU classic...it even got its own name "The West Side Classic"...can you say ghetto as hell lmfaoooo....but any way I had just bought the olymipic 1s buurrrr so I bought some clean ass denims to go with them, with this captain america fleece...and shirt...with a nice red navy white silver cardinals hat buuurrrrr...I was clean as hell...so its like 7 the game start at like 7:30.....so I go pick up my god sister(Tamika real cool peeps from Nyc raised in Alabama) and we off.................

THE CAR RIDE


So we in my whip (93 caprice classic flopping paint choppin 22's buurrr) and we just talking....and all of sudden my stomach goes to hurting...um like god no dont do this to me...PLEAAASEEE JUST GO AWAY....so I'm thinking the bubble guts will go away.....but for some reason the bastarads was chokeslamming my insides...and then I just felt it about to come on out...so now im swerving through the streets trying to find a gas station or something, so I could take the stork bird to deliver the commode babies safely to the toilet and not on myself.....AGAIN(READ I CRAPPED MYSELF)...

THE FIRST GAS STATION

Now I rush in to this gas station looking for the bathroom....dont see it...so I ask the clerk where the damn bathroom at....this mothafucka tombout they dont have one (-__________-) so i dipp off like a crack head going through withdrawal which i was....I hop in my whip and head to the on across the street.....

THE SECOND GAS STATION

I rush in ask for the keys to the bathroom outside...before he give me the keys this bitch ass nigga give me a long lecture about bringing the keys back...Im like nigga....right now im like a pregnant woman in labor..give me the fucking keys....he give me the keys I sprint to the bathroom open it up and what the fuck do I see........a fucking massacre of a bathroom piss all on the floor....tissue every where...and it aint no extra tissue to wipe your ass with but the tissue on the floor.....my thoughts were FUCKKKKKKKK....GOD YOU HAD THIS PLANNED FOR ME YOU DIDNT WANT TO SEE A YOUNG NIGGA CLEAN AND STUNTIN.......so for a split second I thought about taking a shit on the floor and sticking dudes keys in it and handing them to him...but then I thought...WHAT AM I GOING TO WIPE MY ASS WITH....so that was out of the question cant walk around with my ass hole feeling like a mosquito stung me like 50 time (pause)....so I left

WENDYS BATHROOM

By this time im sweating this is a serious shit dropping about to happen....Im talking about atom bomb type shit the liquid milkshake type of dookie(lol at dookie) yall know the kind I'm talking about the kind that feels like hot lava.........so I run in wendys go to the mens and WHAT DO YOU KNOW ANOTHER FUCKED UP BATHROOM WITH NO TISSUE BECAUSE ITS ON THE FLOOR MAKING A STEW WITH PISS AND MOP WATER...so I'm like fuck this shit....im going to the womens bath room right now.....I head in the womens bathroom and man it was like heaven in there...the floors were clean, it smelled good, and they had tissue..so I go in and do my thing and it is fucking fierce lol....so while I'm in the middle of taking a dump....a female comes in I'm like fuck I hope she cant see me through the crack of the door....maybe she will think I'm one of them stud dike type of females...I was wrong she knew i was a guy.....but the crazy thing about it was...she was cool as HELL(FELLLAS NO SHE WAS NOT FINE) so we start talking and I'm like"how you knew I was a guy" her reply "the hair on your head and legs" was like damn....but peep this though she actually was taking a piss while talking to me lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooo........the shit was crazy it was like seeing a grandma ride a caprice on 30's I was shocked that she felt so comfortable to use the bathroom while I was in it......she even asked did I need any tissue....SHE ASK MY STANK ASS DO I NEED MORE TISSUE AND WAS I OK.....the woman was caring....

BACK IN THE CAR

I told Tamika what happened....she died lol...I told her if she ever tell anyone she getting her ass beat..........but now its too late now because all of you know lol

Gracy Crumpton Chronicles: Shut yo pussy mouth(short story)

I can remember the first time my grandma said those be love it words...and Im not talking about "I love you" Im talking about shut yo pussy mouth"....this is a short story guys as a matter of fact all of the Gracy Crumpton Chronicles will be short stories....so here we go....

So my brother was running through my grandma house keping up noise as usual lol.....now my grandma had all ready to him to sit down and shut up, of course he kept runing around the house keeping up noise....you could see the frustration on her face.....it was like the evil seeping through her skin lol....her whole face turned red lmfao...eventually she exploded.....and brought the raft of 1oo elderly people stuck in an olds folks home with arthritis ...............................

THE SCORN

She gets out her chair and starts walking with her cane you can here it as it clinks on the ground, now my bro is faster than her but for some reason when she is pissed she moves like hussan bolt no shit its scary........She yelled out at the top of her lungs....." SHUT YO PUSSY MOUTH.....YOU PEE MOUTH FROG.....I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK AND SITCHO ASHH(thats how she pronounce ass) DOWN MACKA( brother name is michelangeo but she calls him macka instead of michel) NOW YOU KEEP IT UP HEA AND IM GONE BEAT THE DRY SKIN OFF YO ASHH.....NOW PLAY IF YOU WANT...IMA TAKE A STRAP TO YA ASHH.....

long story short he sat his ass donw

The Gracy Crumpton Chronicles: Part 1...The introduction

Who is Gracy Crumpton
I know yall like who the fuck is Gracy Crumpton????....Well Gracy Crumpton is my grandmother on my moms side. She's about 5'4 light skinned...long gray hair...with a crook in her back..she walks with a cane...

The background
Now Grandma is from a hick town in Alabama call Georgiana...so you know she country and don't play that shit..don't get it twisted it though she has traveled around the world so she got plenty of sense..just crazy as hell.

The info you must know
Now let me tell you something about Gracy........She loves dry tobacco snuff, and she will gladly curse you from A to Z about it if she don't have it (story coming soon about the Snuff) she got to have her coffe with sweet loaf..she has to have her enquirer and sun magazines...she has seen every episode of days of our lives. the young and the restless, and passions...she carries a spit cup around the house...along with her .38 caliber pistol...she never sleeps...NEVER and she is very...very paranoid

The dialog
now I dont know what your grandma vocab consist of but my grandma goes all out...which you will find out in these up coming issues...just to add a little insight....she will definitely call you a Pussy mouth.....and bitch..thos are her favorite words


NOW that you know whats up you are prepared for the stories to come...first story starts monday or tuesday

I crapped myself

We all got embarrassing stories as kids....so I'm going to tell you one of mines.



It was 1995, Montgomery Alabama Vaughn rd elementary school (Ms. Gambles class room 101)....yeah I took yall back to the old school lol. Any way it was friday show and tell so you know it was jumpin in that bitch...you know I was in that thang flexing with the Franky Frankenstein toy...yall know the one that talked and you could open up his head and chest....yeah buuurrrrrrrr.....so a nigga had that best toy and shit....so after the victory of show and tell it was nap time.....


The wake up.....

So I wake up from my nap and shit and I'm thinking damn I must have put on a few pounds because I felt heavy than usual. So I stand up and ummm that's when I felt something drop in my draws.....my reaction is like god nooooooooooooooooooooooo don't let this be me....did i really shit on my self......fuck (yes I cursed like a mothafucka when I was young also) so I run to the bathroom pull down my pants and man it looked like a cow pasture down there no lie....I would've went commando and disposed of the draws but I'm not a fan of shit and besides that would leave evidence....so I go back in the class room...its 2:30 the bell don't ring till 3 so I'm just sitting here in my own shit like a dead old person who shitted themselves in the middle of dying. this whole time I'm hearing people say "man what is that smell"..."something stink" you know its like you get super hearing powers when something embarrassing happens to you...you can hear everybody saying shit...during this whole time period I'm praying nobody finds out..hell I think I cursed god out for letting this happen to me lol. So the 3o minutes that felt like a whole new day pass the bell ring I get up run for the bus with cow fertilizer in my draws.


The bus ride.....


Now if yall know anything about the deep south...then yall know in april its hot as fuck, and that did'nt help my situation or the person sitting next to me who just so happen to be my friend (brian..bucktooth country kid with big ears who stayed up the street from me) this littel loud ass bumpkin just blurt out"yall smell that something STANKKKKKK!!!!" this nigga is loud as fuck real talk "Bus driver you smell that" so you know I'm pissed but I gotta play it off like it aint me...so I'm like "Hell yeah something stank damn let down the windows" (OMG lol at this as I'm typing) man I had the whole bus fucked up....finally I get home


Home....

So I run in the house tell me my mom what happened she throws away my chemical ass polluted clothes and tell me to get in the tub.....after all this is done, she says"You know if you would've told the teacher about this I could have came and got you from school" I'm like (0______0).....It never dawn on me to call my mom...thats what I get for panicking. I swear for a week my brother and sisters talked about me shitting on myself lmfao....



"DONT JUDGE ME DAMMNIT"

This nigga hit me with a damn brick

Ok so Its a hot summer, I'm 12 years old so I guess it was the year of 1999 or 2000. I was chilling at my homeboy Big Mike(big country nigga from Mississippi) crib, they was like 1 of 5 people to have a damn ac unit in these hot box we call apartments. So his little sister comes in saying her wagon is gone..I guess the little thieving son of a bitch took it off the back porch, so Big Mike and I go looking for the damn thing and the nigga who took it....

Finding the thief with the wagon....

So we find the nigga who took the damn wagon in 3rd court( I apartments was divided into 4 courts) So I see dude and I tell Big Mike I'm going to beat this fool ass...he like cool ok. I walk up on this guy(he had his hand behind his back I didn't notice of course) he talking crazy literally " I'm crazy I take medicine"....so as soon as I get face to face he pulls out this broken up piece of concrete the size of a damn brick and hits me in the fucking face. I just yelled out fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!! real loud on some dragon ball z type of shit going in to super saying mode lol....then to add fuel to fire this nigga ran off, THAT SHIT PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE I COULDN'T CATCH HIM. He got away I could not catch this bum...

The visit to his crib.....

So I found out where this bum ass nigga stayed. So I go up there with my patna Ismail from Queens NYC( don't know why I add details with my friends) so we break off up in to this guy crib and man as soon as we get through the door, there are dogs and trash every where, I'm talking about piles of trash, dog shit, cans, retro Honda hub caps, roaches, and the smell OH MY GOD the smell....the shit smelled liked shit and immigrant dirty Mexican sex lathered in bean dip. Anyone who knows me know I hat being dirty and hate being in dirty places, so I tell Ismail fuck this lets get out of here...he agrees, but let me tell you about this nigga, he is fucking crazy I don't know if all queens niggas are like this but this nigga was crazy as a kid, but he was acting calm through the situation until we went through this path and he got stung by 2 bees....this nigga goes balistic. He runs back up the path to the bum nigga crib grabs they trash can (the big trash can the garbage people pick up) and dumps all the trash on the ground and slings it...then this crazy son of a bitch bust out all the windows of the house....I'm laughing my ass off, becasue I saw the bees get on him I just aint say nothing( I wanted them to sting him lol) when they stung all he kept saying was "get this shit off me get this shit off me" lol that shit made my day lol......

Finnally catch this bum ass nigga....

So me and Ismail are walking to the store one day.....I'm running my mouth and shit and all of a sudden I hear "There that nigga go" I see Ismail take off and tackle that nigga...he is beating the shit out of him. I run over there and start beating the hell out of him, then i go into beast mode and just stomp the hell out of him for a good 2 minutes.....the fight gets broken up dude is fucked up and he mad yealling "I'm gone kill yall niggas, I'm going to get my knife" we like nigga fuck you ( can you imagine 12 and 13 year olds talking like this lol) so any way we chilling and the steps and shit talking about and laughing...how about this nigga actually came back...WITH A KNIFE!!! This nigga start chasing us I'm laughing and runnig at the same time ( which I dound out slows you down a whole lot) some adults see us getting chase by a looney kid with a meat cleaver size butchers knife lol...so they grab him and take the knife, and he goes home mad....punk bitch.

TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM

Take one for the team bro...take one for the team!!!!!!!


What does take one for the team means??? Its simple taking one for the team means to have sex with a female that is not appealing to your taste, so that your best bud can get fucking lucky with her best friend who just so happens to look like Alicia Keys....but some how youre stuck with a Shamu body and an Uncle Fester face.....

So of course I'm going to tell you a story about me taking one for the so called team...



So its Saturday night my friend(Al)and I are out riding trying to pick up females in the club parking lot, I mean why pay to get in to some shitty ass Alabama club when we can pick the girls up before they go in ( I know smart shit right). So we pull up to these two females...one is banging the other look like she got banged on, so my friend is driving my whip, I'm in the passenger seat so of course he got the best chick ( I am sitting on them 22's buuuurrrrrr) I'm stuck with Raspushia the 3rd. We get they numbers and tell them to come chill back at the crib with us.

LATER THAT NIGHT............


So the girls come through.....this nigga Al hit me with the "Take one for the team G (Chicago nigga)" I'm like HELLLLL NOOOOOO, this broad got one heart but functioning with six stomachs, an eight chins. Eventually he talks me in to doing it...I ask hey can a rob her I got to get something out of this( young fresh out of high school I know no excuses for the robbing part), Al like I don't give a fuck do it.


The Bed Room.........

So Al and I go in to different rooms, I get in the room and she is already on the bed....let me explain what she had on and looked liked.... She had on this black dress, and it was tight and short as hell. I mean I don't know how she got that damn thing to fit on her big ass, she weight at least two-hundred plus and she was about 5'3 ....her face didn't help out at all either, but back to the room. So my plan was to fuck her and have one of my boys...sneak out the closet and swipe the purse while I'm putting in work....he just take the money and bring back the purse. Wellllllll that shit did'nt go as planned because as soon as she took her panties off I got suckered punched by her pussy odor, it smelled like rotten used tampax dipped in ass holes and cat piss(note I'm still by the door)

Time To Go.....


As soon as the smell hits me I put back on my shirt, tell her I'm not about to fuck her...tell Al "I'm taking my ass home this broad smell like a fish slaughter house"
throw the deuces hop in my whip and I'm gone........

welcome

This is my first blog, I would like to welcome all.....my blogs will consist of stories about my life, things that I have been through....so lets get started with this bullshit madness